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Recovery-In-Progress

  • Posted on July 9, 2014 at 10:00 AM

So, I went to my post-surgery check-up, but the surgeon wasn’t there. I don’t know why I thought he would be. Instead, I met with another assistant. She checked out my incisions, but other than that the check-up was all verbal. I told her what I had experienced, good and bad, with my recovery thus far. She was pleased with my progress.

Her informed assessment, however, was something of an obvious conclusion. I’ve had too much stress. On the one hand, my life is stressful. This is seen as being particularly true whenever I bring up the boys. I brought up the boys to make the point that I’ve spent too much time putting their health (and educational) needs first; and that I’ve been putting my own health on the backburner for far too long. Her point was “Wow, three with autism, that’s got to be stressful all by itself.” Hm. Yes, I suppose it is, but not nearly as much as people might think, especially now that we’ve figured out what works for them.

On the other hand, she also made a point of stating that my body has been under particular stress lately. My crash or flare up, my diagnoses, my sleep issues, and now surgery – there is absolutely no “wondering why” I’m physically fatigued. No matter how much I may want to accelerate this process, and just be better already so I get back to things that matter, the fact is that my body is still healing, still recovering, and that this matters, too.

There’s so much I want to do…but if I focus on that, instead of on what I can actually do right now in this given moment, then I just add to my stress unnecessarily. For some, this might seem self-evident and obvious. For me, it’s kind of revolutionary. My idea has generally been: “Get through this as quickly and thoroughly as possible, so I can get on to the next thing.” It’s not that I am in such a hurry that I forsake quality, because that isn’t effective. It’s that I’m so focused on doing as much as possible that I’m actually reducing what I’m capable of because too much of my energy and focus is spent worrying over or planning for things I can’t do yet.

Here I am trying to recover, trying to build my capacity, and I’m eroding my good intentions with unnecessary stress. [Grumble, grumble.] I swear I’m going to get this balance thing right one of these days.

Closer to Balance

  • Posted on June 9, 2014 at 10:07 AM

I’ve made a decision to seek balance in my life for the sake of my health, and for the sake of my family, and for the sake of our financial well-being.

As the breadwinner of the family, I need to work to win our bread. As a freelancer, I don’t get paid if I don’t actually work for my clients. There’s no paid sick leave, no vacation pay, no paid medical leave of absence for me. If I don’t work, we don’t have enough money to pay our bills and buy our groceries. We do get assistance, but it’s not meant to be enough to live on.

As the mother of three children with disabilities, there are a lot of external expectations (from outside our family) and there are even more internal expectations (from inside our family). There are wants, needs, and urgent matters. All these things demand my attention. Then, of course, there are the normal household tasks, like shopping, dishes, and laundry. There’s also the morning routine and the nighttime routine, both of which are about to change since this is the last day of school. When I can’t take care of my family, there is only so much slack my husband and our support team can pick up. I’m essential to my family’s well-being, not just our financial well-being.

As a person who is experiencing a disability, there are doctor’s appointments to attend, medications to take, and forms to fill out in preparation for appointments. There’s also sleep to get and food to eat and muscles to stretch. These are all necessary parts of trying to get my sleep, concentration, and pain levels under control. The better I manage my health, the more capacity I have, and the more I have to give to my family and my work.

All these things demand my time, my attention, and my commitment. And that doesn’t even include things like personal relationships, exercising my creativity, and watching some stress-reducing, pure-pleasure television shows (I’m currently watching Charmed for the first time).

I need to find balance. Admitting this is helping me to move closer to attaining it. I find that I stop more to question my own compulsiveness and reflect more on what is important, instead of simply responding to what is urgent. I’m a work in progress, but I’m getting closer.

Waves of Flu

  • Posted on February 3, 2014 at 10:00 AM

Now that the worst of the cold is (hopefully) over, our household has been hit by a wave of the flu. Despite the flu shots that were supposed to protect us, we’ve contracted a strain that put Ben out for a day and a half and now has infected Mark (who didn’t get a shot), Alex, and myself. Will Willy be next? It’s too early to tell, but he has a rather robust immune system, so he might be safe.

Alex won’t be in school today. Though, if Ben’s pattern holds, Alex may be back to school tomorrow. I’ve rested as much as I can and will hopefully hold out better than Mark, who had a rather rough day Sunday and isn’t used to getting sick. I have to do my best to get healthy. After all, Tuesday is Ben’s IEP. I’ll need my strength for that!