I remember hearing those words a lot as a child. “Just be yourself.” I would hear those words when we moved and I had to make new friends. I heard those words again when I started taking interest in boys that went beyond simple playmates. I heard those words yet again when I wanted to learn the “right” way to write. “Just be yourself.”
When it comes to raising my own kids, it seems our society finds those words to be out of place. At Planet Outreach-ASD, Jean wrote:
It shouldn’t even occur to me to want to change his behaviour just because it makes me uncomfortable, and because I want him to be more like other kids.
It’s actually deeply disrespectful of who he is.
I agree with Jean that it’s deeply disrespectful to ask our children with autism to change simply to conform to society’s expectations. Yet that is the overwhelming message: change, conform, catch up.
Further reflection makes me wonder: Is there anyone who is allowed to just be themselves?
I know as a child, there were many ways I was forced to conform. There were other ways I refused to conform. There were still other ways I could not conform. This hasn’t changed since I’ve become an adult. And it’s more than my own version of atypicality.
My step-son, who is a typically developing teen, faces enormous pressure to conform. He expects criticism, yet he still doesn’t understand that criticism. He wants to rebel against standards, but is bothered when people look at him more than they look at others.
“Just be yourself.” It’s something we say, but how often do we really mean it? How many people really, truly extend that courtesy to others?
If we really believed in that trite little saying, would so many in our society see autism as something so dangerous? If we, as a society, believed in allowing people to just be themselves, would we fear the diversity that abounds?
Just by yourself. And let others do the same.
How much would change for the better if we all did?
I am not one to conform either
Sometime after I got out of the Navy, my then-wife told me that they had changed me, implying that it was for the worse. (We had known each other for a year before I joined, so she did have opportunity for comparison.) I guess she was right; they did break me, and re-mold me and make me conform. I know that I’m an entirely different person than I would have been if I hadn’t joined. Though it was hellishly stressful while I was in Boot camp, I believe that I’m far better off than I would have been, because they did force me to “man-up” in the process.
I had no other choice than to join, because the tradition had already been set by my 3 older sisters that, “as soon as you graduate, you get out of the house”. My father never had any intention of sending anybody to college, because (1) he resented “college boys” who were above him in management in the factory where he was a welder and/or “millwright” (whatever that is), and (2) He grew up in the Great Depression, and apparently learned that you just don’t spend money on other people. If I hadn’t joined, I would have been tossed onto the street, with no skills or self-care abilities. I shudder to think what would have happened to me.
In some ways, they may have done me some real harm psychologically, but the 4 years I spent there did give me some more time to grow up, and learn to be independent. Boot camp was a very strictly applied ABA program, with emphasis on teaching principles of status, hierarchy, and obedience, and the only way to progress to the next higher rung of the ladder was to play along with their game. If I seem to vacillate on whether it was a good or bad experience, that’s only because it was both. At any rate, in order to “just be yourself”, you have to be able to “know thyself”.
Clay,
Sometimes I wonder if ABA therapists and school districts have taken a few too many lessons from our military. I’m not in a position to constructively criticize the military’s methods (though, I could criticize quite a few of them–just not constructively), but the military deals (for the most part) with adults. Specifically, at least in present times, adults who’ve chosen to endure military training. Some of what I’ve read about and heard about that is done to children with special needs, especially children with autism, is not so very different from the methods the military uses.
To my knowledge (and I consider my knowledge very good on this, at least), my children have not been subjected to anything like that. If they had been, I’d still be raising holy hell about it! But the idea that it is possible, that it does happen, is outrageous and scary.
I don’t agree with the military’s methods or purposes, but I also do not understand them well enough to suggest viable alternatives. The military needs recruits who will fulfill their roles, and hopefully stay alive. Both are hard goals to achieve; both are, at least ideally, noble goals as well.
Conformity in society is not noble, even at its most ideal. Yet it seems far too many are willing to enforce it to the detriment of our children.
I talked about their heaviest ABA-style mindgames here:
http://cometscorner-clay.blogspot.com/2009/11/gaining-respect-part-iii.html
They put you in the situation where conformity is the only way to survive.
You summed up being a teenager (i.e. your stepson) perfectly. With my kids-especially Sammy (he’s 12) we talk about image versus what feels right. It is a hard path. Good post. I agree if we could all truly be ourselves..I wonder what that would be like?
It is hard to do what feels right, instead of following expectations. I think we can all use more encouragement in that area. It’s sad that it’s easier to imagine a different set of enforced expectations than to imagine everyone just being themselves. I have to hope it would be better, but…what would it be like? Is it fear or chaos or unpredictability? Lost of control? Why don’t we, as a society, just let it happen?
- January 11, 2011 at 12:10 AM
Just Be Yourself | Neurodiversity[...] Just Be Yourself appears here by permission. [...]
Stephanie
I am confused by this myself. It seems like society promotes this idea of being yourself but yet when some people does exactly that they’re brow beated into comforming. It seems very contradictory. Again, I am confused and I don’t understand.
In fact, I believe there is a paradox to this. Let’s say that being yourself was the true standard of a given society. If a person does be themselves are they not comforming to this given society? If they do not be themselves and they decide to comform to a group and pretend they are something they’re not are they not rebelling against the standards of this given society? It seems to me that whenever there are societies there will be standards that human beings will have to comform to. The real question I ask is what should these standards be for all human beings that we ought to follow and need to follow?
In addition, if a given person does not want to follow the standards of a given society and this society will not accomodate then there should be a way for this person to leave. There are some autistics who do not want to comform to the given norms of a society anywhere. They do not want to play the social games whatsoever. Some want out but there is no where else to go. All of the land on the earth’s surface is owned by some society. Even Antartica is still owned by various countries which have research stations on them. My question is where can they go to do things there way? I am not sure if you have heard this expression or not but there are those who will say It’s my way or the Highway. My response to those who say we are entitled to nothing is where is the highway?
In my opinion, I think we need the option of having this highway someway, somehow.
I do have one more question. Should we force those who do not want to associate with us to associate with us. Personally, if we are to be accepted it then people have to be willing to accept us. We can’t metaphorically have the government use a gun to force those to accept us who don’t want to accept us. In my opinion, we have to persuade people. We have to persuade employers and get them to want to hire us in the workplaces. If you notice when force is used it backfires. One example is the Americans with Disabilities act. The facts are all it says is that employers have to provide reasonable accomodations for disabled people to do all of the requirements of their jobs. It does not exempt anyone from the requirements.
Cube Angel,
First, I’m glad to see you here!
You said: “It seems like society promotes this idea of being yourself but yet when some people does exactly that they’re brow beated into comforming. It seems very contradictory.”
It is contradictory. I believe part of the contradiction is the tendency for many people to live on the surface of things. By this, I mean society–and those who embrace their societal values–tend to be satisfied with the way things seem rather than recognizing the way things are. We can wear whatever clothes we want, we can pursue whatever career we want, we can have whatever hobbies we want, and because we have these freedoms we assume we are free to do what we want–to just be ourselves. The majority, however, doesn’t recognize that while we are free to do these things, we aren’t really free because of the social pressure to conform.
The contradiction is very real, but many are unaware that it exists.
“It seems to me that whenever there are societies there will be standards that human beings will have to comform to. The real question I ask is what should these standards be for all human beings that we ought to follow and need to follow?”
Social standards are generally of two sorts.
One sort is those standards that benefit society, that reinforce the society itself. Consider national pride. If you are an American, American society is reinforced if you have pride as an American. If you are a Canadian, then Canadian society is reinforced if you have pride as a Canadian. Either way, you’re fitting in and reinforcing your society. If, however, you are an American who has pride as a Canadian–you don’t fit, you’re not reinforcing either society.
This pressure to conform as an American or a Canadian can be good or bad, depending on what you do with it. I, for example, am proud of America’s potential, but feel we fail to live up to that potential. Instead of running off to Canada, I want to help America improve. I consider that a good thing. If, on the other hand, I were to believe that America is absolutely right no matter what we do and that we should dominate the world–well, that’s bad.
Another sort of social standard is those that benefit select individuals at the expense of other individuals. In America, we have a preferred neurotype and a preferred race and a preferred level of ability, and these standards benefit those who have these traits at the expense of others. This is where we truly betray “just be yourself” and favor, instead, that we should all be the preferred ideal or we’re just wrong. And it permeates all sorts of things, from the way we dress to the jobs we do, to the gender we are, to our body type.
The crux is that social standards that benefit people without hurting others are good. For example, we frown on murder. That’s good. Societies that sanction murder tend to be very bad for the general population, i.e. dictatorships and the like. But, social standards that betray the fundamental belief in the value of humanity are bad. For example, though we frown on murder, murdering a disabled or chronically ill person is more acceptable, because we’re just putting them out of their misery–except, they’re not necessarily miserable and shouldn’t be forced to feel miserable just because they’re different.
So, some social standards are necessary, or at the very least beneficial. Others are not. It’s not an all-or-nothing proposition.
Cube Angel,
“In addition, if a given person does not want to follow the standards of a given society and this society will not accomodate then there should be a way for this person to leave. … In my opinion, I think we need the option of having this highway someway, somehow.”
The trouble I see with any “my way or the highway” approach is that is unaccommodating. Yes, we divide the earth into territories and property, but the earth will still be here long after we’re all gone–so our sense of ownership is rather misplaced. We all share this world; we all live here. There’s really nowhere else to go, and even if there were (say, we were able to colonize the moon), then the same sharing would apply on the moon.
I believe that it is wrong for our society to expect (and enforce that expectation) people who are different to simply conform; however, it is equally wrong for individuals to expect society to simply conform to them. There has to be a happy medium for a happy co-existence. We each have to give a little and learn to live together.
“Should we force those who do not want to associate with us to associate with us. … In my opinion, we have to persuade people.”
I agree 100%. Forcing us to be like them is just as bad as forcing them to accept us. The only truly respectful way to go about it is to persuade. It’s difficult, and it’s time consuming, and we really shouldn’t have to be disadvantaged; but force doesn’t work, at least not in the sense that it truly improves anything.
And I am currently working on a nonfiction book with the intention of persuading employers, specifically business managers, to open up to the neurological diversity of their workforce.