One of the messages I’ve seen lately is that “it gets better.” This message is coming from adults in relatively powerful positions who are shouting out to youth about the need to survive bullying. On the surface, I have nothing against these messages. Messages of hope are important. Showing kids that adults have overcome bullying to attain societal significance are also important.
But, these messages are also skewed. Even though these are anti-bullying messages, there is a bit of internalized “bullying is a rite of passage” in the messages. The message implies that if you only live long enough to grow up, you’ll grow out of being bullied.
Growing up is not the solution to bullying.
The sad reality is that: For some people it doesn’t get better. Some people face bullying all their lives. For some people the bullying actually gets worse as they get older.
In the adult world, bullying—and once again I’m distinguishing this from harassment or abuse—is alive and well. Some adults who faced bullying as children continue to face bullying as adults, and often for the same reasons. Some adults who faced little bullying as children wake up to a world that isn’t fair, to a world where the power of individuals or the power of organizations can be wielded to take away their rights, and they discover that those individuals or organizations are not above bullying to get their way. Bullying is also used to reinforce status—it is institutionalized in organizational structures, in government, and in our society. And, of course, bullying is still idolized or excused in the fiction written for adults and in the heroes we hold up as a standard for our own behavior.
Bullying doesn’t just stop. Perhaps, if you’re like Joel Burns or President Obama, and you gain a position of power, you can turn the tables on bullying. But few of us are Joel Burnses or President Obamas. Few of us are CEOs or whatever it takes to rise sufficiently in status to be too high to be bullied.
Many of us get through adulthood with relatively little bullying. Others suffer the effects of bullying almost every day of their lives. Still others face it every single day, with no escape and no respite—but then again, that often goes beyond bullying. I’m not sure what it is, denotatively speaking, because I don’t think we, as a society, want to acknowledge it happens. Certainly it doesn’t happen here in the Land of the Free. Certainly not.
But it does. It happens. Until we can look bullying in the eye, as adults, and see it for what it is, bullying wins. Until we can look up and see bullying all around ourselves, pervading our society, bullying wins. And as long as bullying wins, we can’t save the adult victims of bullying. We can’t even save ourselves. We certainly cannot save our children.
We need to open our eyes and see the bullying. Maybe then we can stop it—not completely, but enough. Maybe just seeing it is enough to start the change.
Absolutely! I think that as we get older-it changes..Oh people are still definitely bullied-but it is done differently than it was say in elementary school. So it can be overlooked-or seen as a “suck it up you are an adult now” kind of thing..Again. good post.
Right, and unless the heart of the bully is changed – nothing changes – bullies like the power they have over other people. No matter the age or supposed maturity, (maturity has nothing to do with age). Bullies tend to be control freaks, they want to control everything within their imagined grasp, and they use bullying as a means to get what they want. That’s not to say all control freaks are bullies, but most bullies are control freaks. And as we all know, power can be a very corrupting force.
Kathleen,
Bullying does change as we get older, in part because some people become more attuned to what kind of bullying is socially acceptable, and then they stick to it (unless they believe they can keep their socially unacceptable bullying behaviors a secret). I think the veneer of acceptability is a triggering point in the adult world. Once a individual or organization crosses that line, then they’re called out–but the socially acceptable bullying is no less bullying.
Mom,
Power can definitely corrupt. Though, as a society, we could further limit what is considered socially acceptable and make other things more transparent (lessening the belief that unacceptable behaviors can be kept secret). This would help. But, you’re right that the ideal solution is a change of heart. Still, we’re not powerless short of that, at least we don’t have to be.
Yes! I have been thinking about this lately and it’s amazing how people think that bullying automatically “disappears” when you grow up, but it doesn’t. After all, how do young kids learn bullying if they have not seen it in their surroundings? It doesn’t just happen…and just as likely it doesn’t just “disappear”. Well said.
- February 27, 2011 at 11:39 AM
Why it’s Important to Stand up to the Cool Kids – Even as an Adult « prowriterinc[...] Too often, the adult world is full of bullies who think they can dominate. The “cool kids” hang out, watch out for each other and can often be loud and obnoxious (oh, and please don’t offend the prom queen). There is also the “quiet” group. This is the group that avoids confrontation and steers away from other crowds of kids. There are “independents” that get along with all groups; who can easily shift between the cool crowd and the quieter group. This may sound familiar and as bullying doesn’t just happen in adolescence, it also doesn’t disappear in adulthood. [...]
Thank you Ahlam. I do think people need to be more aware of the ways in which bullying affects not only children, but adults.