After a few distractions, I’m back to the issue of bullying. I started with a description of bullying, where I attempted to distinguish between bullying, harassment and abuse. Then, I discussed boys bullying and girls bullying. I left off with a thought for bullies, because it is my experience that many bullies are victims themselves.
Now, I would like to explore some of the other reasons for bullying.
Two Basic Reasons
There are two basic reasons children engage in bullying behavior: (1) to buoy the self-esteem of the bully, and (2) to sink the self-esteem of the victim. These are two different, distinct motives.
Victims of bullying and abuse often need to boost their self-esteem. There are many ways people attempt to do this. One way, as I mentioned earlier, is to engage in bullying. Those surrounding this individual—parents, teachers, other supportive adults, and their own peers—can help this person find productive ways to build self-esteem, and thus eliminate the need to bully. It’s not always easy, especially when the abusive situations that trigger the need cannot be resolved, but it’s worth the effort.
Not all bullies are like that, though. Not all bullies are needy children stuck in an unendurable situation they don’t know how to deal with. Some kids bully for fun. These people bully not to boost their own self-esteem, but because they like to witness the effects on others’ self-esteem.
In my lay opinion, I consider this behavior pathological. Perhaps there is already a psychological diagnosis for this kind of behavior, but I suspect our society is too enamored and forgiving regarding bullying for this to be the case. Disabilities and disorders, after all, are determined on the basis of what society considers normal or acceptable. If being morally challenged isn’t pathological, why would bullying be so?
America Loves Bullies
The increase in bullying (or, perhaps, the increase in our attention on bullying) has been called “epidemic.” And part of that epidemic is that bullying is an acceptable pastime in our culture.
I would say most kids are good kids. But not all kids are good. Some kids are bad. Kids who take pleasure in other peoples’ pain and suffering and inflict pain and suffering for the sake of their own fun are not good kids. (If this behavior is pathological, however, that “badness” can be addressed and remedied, much like the bad behavior of addicts can be addressed by addressing their addiction.)
And yet we not only tolerate this behavior, there are forces in our culture that actually encourage it. Bullying is celebrated in television, in movies, in music, in advertisements, in books and short stories and even in news articles. Bullying pervades our culture. Adults, kids, corporations, public organizations, and even non-profit organizations and civil rights movements engage in bullying because it works. Not only does it work—meaning that bullying can help you achieve the results you want—but for those willing to take pleasure in other people’s suffering, it feels good. It makes you feel powerful. And that feeling is honest, if not true. (You are exercising power, but the power wasn’t rightfully yours.)
So, What Can We Do?
For bullies that use this behavior as a coping mechanism, the “solution” is to discover why and to stop it, if possible, while providing the child with other coping mechanisms. It’s not easy, but it is rather straightforward.
For bullies that use this behavior because they enjoy it or because they perceive bullying as the cultural norm, the “solution” is neither easy nor simple. Assuming that we’re not going to get these kids in therapy any time soon, we can only do so much. We can attempt to change the culture. And that = HARD and LONG-TERM COMMITMENT. There are those who have been making that effort and investing their time. I applaud them, especially Bullying Stories. The recent emphasis in the news is also a good thing, or it could be if less attention was paid to why the victims were bullied (i.e., the implication that bullying = homophobia) and more attention was paid to the fact that the problem isn’t new and that people with many kinds of differences are the victims of bullies.
We also have to be vigilant. As parents (of the bully or the victim) and as “the village” (i.e., the bystanders), we have to notice bullying and we have to take steps to stop it. We have to assert that these behaviors are not acceptable. We have to acknowledge that bullying is not a rite of passage. We have to allow our minds to acknowledge that bullying, harassment and abuse are different and that none of these behaviors are acceptable.
Next, to “prove” that bullying is not a rite of passage, as some claim, I will demonstrate that bullying continues on into the adult world. And, as much as I appreciate Joel Burns willingness to speak out, I have to say, sometimes it doesn’t get better as you get older. Sometimes it gets worse
Thank you so much for your shout out in this article to my website “Bullying Stories”. After 3 years, it’s always nice to know that it can make a difference. You certainly hit the nail on the head about needing to continue to change the culture. We must not embrace bullying behaviors that are now rampant in the TV shows and culture.
As the TODAY show pointed out today, there is a loss of Civility in our culture. Plus we need to teach Empathy as well as respect. It’s amazing how quickly we have lost sight of what are the simple values that make us all treat each other better.
Thank you for also continuing your site and making people further aware of the continuing bullying problem.
You’re very welcome, Alan. I read each new post that comes up, even though I cannot always think of anything to comment on. You do good work and I hope you keep it up!
Once again, how timely. They just had a big shin dig at our middle school on that very subject. The classes attended the presentation sequentially. Loud, boisterous and echoey with inevitable results, so by the time it was my daughters turn to attend it was all around the school that ‘someone’ had a meltdown at an earlier presentation. To be fair, everyone handled the situation very sensitively. Hope it’s as sensitive today.
Participation in those kinds of events is always rather dodgy for my kids. On the one hand, we want them to be able to participate. On the other, sometimes they just can’t. One of the new things in our area is a performing arts center. Part of the funding was justified (before the recession) on the basis of the benefit it would have on school children who, for the most part, aren’t exposed to professional theater. It’s great for most kids, but it’s so difficult for those with sensory & attention-span issues. And schools tend to be worse, because it’s much tighter quarters.
I do hope the kids are your school remain sensitive!
Yeah we are less civil..and we do celebrate the bully in many situations..At our middle school, it was brought to my attention that a girl was being bullied..The girl in question is on the spectrum, in a regular class-but lacks supports in social situations. The result is that her social behaviors (she is quite abrasive, knocks people out of the way, grabs things from other kids..etc. etc.) cause the other kids to in essence make her life miserable. The kids don’t know that she is on the spectrum. They see her as the bully and she in turn feels bullied. The saddest part of this story is that I have brought it to the “powers that be”..and it has been ignored. I’ve worked with my kids on how to deal with this..but the school-they would rather ignore it…*sigh*
Ignoring it seems the standard response. After all, if a girl is coping well enough to come across as a bully, then she’s obviously “too tough” to need help. *sigh* But, I suspect the truth of it is that it’s work–catching bullies, preventing bullying, addressing bullying, teaching kids to cope–it’s all work. And it works that many schools don’t consider themselves required to do, and parents don’t seem to do enough of on their own.
Hopefully all this attention (which already seems to be fading) will be enough to wake people up. But I expect that this will continue to be an issue for a long time to come.