Some things in life take on a feeling of regularity, despite their seeming abnormality. For me, depression is one of those things. As the clock strikes midnight on January 1st each and every year, I know I will experience four or five bouts of depression in the coming twelve months. As abnormal as this may or may not be in the grand scheme of human living, it is normal for me.
It is expected. Knowing that it is expected makes it slightly, but only slightly, more endurable.
Also expected is the journey of depression itself. It starts with resistance. “I won’t let it happen again.” “I’m going to power through and I’ll be fine.” Or maybe even denial. “I’m not heading into a depressive episode.” “I’m not slowing down. I’m not losing track of my own thoughts.” “I am motivated. I’m still working!”
Then, I reach the point where denial is no longer possible. I’m stopped. Like a sudden halt in the stampede of life, I’m thrown from the saddle and I find myself sitting in the dust—stunned. Or, more accurately, I find myself sleeping for ten or twelve hours—when I usually subsist on six hours a day. I find myself watching television or reading obsessively. Episode after episode; book after book. Anything to avoid dealing with the things on my to-do lists—the things of my life.
After wallowing in depression for a few weeks or a month, I drag myself out. I force myself to be productive. I move. I work. I get things done. Slowly—so slowly—I climb from the depths of depression back onto the track of daily living. I travel this path for a few months, then I fall again.
My depression is cyclic. I know I will be depressed, but the times of depression are not themselves predictable.
Sometimes, however, there are hiccups in this cyclic process. For example, illness can trigger depression for me. At this stage of my life, productivity has taken a consuming, looming presence in my life. There’s much to be done, and me to do it. So, when I get sick, I become unproductive. When I’m unproductive, my brain tricks itself into being depressed—after all, depression = unproductivity, therefore (logic assumes) unproductivity = depression.
I become sick. Days pass by unproductively. I feel depressed because I’m unproductive. I feel worse because I’m sick.
I estimate that two or three of my depressive episodes each year are triggered this way. I don’t start out by slipping into depression and unproductivity. I start out unproductive and trick myself into depression.
Now, I’m trying to learn to trick myself out of it. The past two weeks I’ve been struggling with illness, and thus with unproductivity and depression. The reason I’ve been in bed is because of illness, but being in bed and watching the days slip by with so little getting done makes me depressed. But being depressed keeps me in bed and ensures more days pass by with little getting done, even though my body is strong enough to start doing things again.
So, I do things. I get things done. I check things off. And I try to feel undepressed. Sometimes it feels like this strategy is working. Then, I remember that I’m still doing things that should have been done last week. And a little more time slips by.
Dolly, maybe if you got more REST/SLEEP on a regular basis, more than 4-5-6 hours at a time, you wouldn’t get sick as much, or be sick as long, and then depressed that you can’t do everything on your VERY LONG “to do” list!? Or depressed so regularly. Maybe, just maybe, it’s God’s way of forcing you to take a break??? As a Mom, especially – YOUR Mom – I think better eating and sleeping habits would do you a world of good
God only gave all of us 24 hours, and 8 of those are for sleeping, and if you can’t do all of “it” in the remaining 16 hours, you are trying to do TOO much!! AND, I know there are extenuating circumstances in your household, but still – you need to have a frank talk with your family, and say it, “I can’t do it all, please HELP me before I shut down again!” I LOVE YOU 
Okay. First, I am not in control of how long I sleep. I wake up and I’m awake. Trying to go back to bed again so I can force my body to sleep for 8 hours gives me migraines. I prefer to get 6 hours, instead of 4, but when I wake up I have to be awake. If I can’t sleep, lying in bed doesn’t help.
Second, pointing out that if I can’t do everything on my to do list in 16 hours then my to do list is too long is not reflective of the problem. Time is not the issue. Time is rarely ever the issue, except when I’m on a night schedule and my things “to do” have to be done in the day. I can’t be productive for 16 hours straight, no matter how much sleep I get.
I’m not short on time; I’m short on energy. I’m very busy when I have the energy, and then I stop and recuperate (which doesn’t mean I could sleep if I tried). Slowing down doesn’t work, at least in the sense that it would spread the energy out more, because the energetic periods pass whether I’m doing something or not. So I stay busy during those periods, and then try not to be busy.
Third, this kind of “Mommy says” lecture really is not appropriate for a public forum. We’ve had this conversation over and over in private, and making it public is not going to change the outcome. I am not in control of my un-cyclic sleep cycle. The only way to exert control is to take pills–either sleeping pills, which leave me too groggy and headachy to function the next day, or melatonin which works as unpredictably on me as it does on Ben. And, before I got sick this last time, I was actually eating well and sleeping on a day schedule, which didn’t prevent me from getting sick.